N.R. Brown – Feast at Famine's Table

My sense of self back.

For years, I’ve been writing and submitting to things that were Fantasy and Science Fiction. Going along, wondering why my stuff isn’t getting picked up for anthologies…wondering why I had to put “parental guidance” warnings on things when my writing group read them.

Now, I knew I USED to be a Horror writer, but I thought that was all said and done. I thought I had moved past it, or had never really been in it before (and instead was a Dark Fantasy writer trying to play with the big and uglies).

Then this past weekend, I went to WHC (World Horror Con).

It had been on my bucket list for a long time, and even though this trip was a financial burden at this time, it was the right thing to do. Why? Because as the weekend progressed…as I listened to writers talk about their projects and editors talk about what they are looking for and panels sharing about their craft…I realized that everything I had been doing was horror.

I like fantasy, so yeah, I put a layer of the magical/mystical in my horror, but in the end if a girl dances so much her shoes are dyed red from her own blood, yeah, that’s horror. It doesn’t matter what is compelling her to do this (be it fairies or drugs), it is horrific.

I spent so much time in my own head, reeling from this epiphany, that I’m afraid my true bright and shiny nature was a bit dimmed. I spent half of my weekend with my head stuck in my iPad writing down bits of ideas and description…and for the first time in years, advice.

That being said, I met some amazing people. (I love that horror authors are a lot like those pink jellybeans I used to eat as a kid. You know the ones: you want to like it, but if it is that damn peppermint you’re gonna gag, then you bite into it and it’s bubblegum and all is right with the world. Yeah, horror writers are bubblegum jellybeans.) And I’m planning on staying in touch, I just wish I’d found the balls (yes, shyness was a bit of a problem this weekend as well…and I know how unlikely that sounds coming from MY mouth) to walk up to a few more.

New Orleans is a special place for me, I dreamed of visiting as a kid, I went first with my now-wife, I got married ther, and now it is even more special, because I re-discovered my identity as a Horror writer.

Thank you, WHC, thank you so much.

We all have desires–little hidden gems of want in our hearts.
We ALL have them.
We can call them “To Do” lists, bucket lists, or (my favorite) “If I won the lottery…” lists. Things we would do if we could, but that we often feel are beyond our means or ability.
It does not change that they are based in desire, in a place of emotion…and that emotion is what makes them so powerful for us.

Well, this morning, I woke up with desire and emotion…a mix of things that went from determined to fearful to hopeful…and a goal.

This morning I was going to participate in a 5K.

I was sure I was going to be last. I was sure I was going to fall over thanks to heart attack or weak ankles or just loss of will. I was sure that the other runners were going to laugh at me. I was sure I was going to be terrible.

BUT I was sure I was going to do it.

Why? Because I never thought I could. I never thought I would be able to walk 3 miles back when I lived in Missouri about 10 years ago and had to take A BREAK walking from the parking garage to my office, because my back hurt so bad and I was so out of breath. The parking garage was about 3 blocks from my office.

And I was going to try my damnest to make it to the finish line before an hour was up!

And guess what…I did.

I jogged/walked 5K in 51 minutes and 30 seconds.

I beat the 2 girls I chased the entire way, the ones that weren’t sweating and stopped to fix their hair (and no, I didn’t catch them then, I caught them at the finish line!!!)…I beat the woman I started the race with, who was with me the whole time…I beat women that looked in better shape than me, younger than me…and yes, I was beat by a LOT of people, almost the entire 450+ that signed up that day. BUT it didn’t matter. I had a desire.

And when my desire flagged, and I called my wife on the phone, it was the reminder from her that this was something amazing that kept me going. And when I was tired and so close and yet so far away from the finish line and every person on the sidelines, every volunteer, every photographer, every competitor that finished before me and doubled back cheered for me like I was in first place…I was reminded that I had a desire to prove I could do it.

And I did…I finished that race, and I did it under my secret goal time.

I did it.

When I am old and in a nursing home, I want the attendants to WANT to come to my room so I can tell them stories about how I ran away to Hawaii for 2 years when I was 40…how I was part of an improv troupe that performed up and down the east coast…how I was the author of that book their mom always loved…how I lost a ton of weight…the story behind every tattoo…how I learned to fly…

I want to be that person that people come to see, because they are not mired in the dull and dreary but have lived a life full of fun and adventure and continue to do so till the day they die.

(This is all because my wife does not believe me…and because I added pictures to this post.)

Check out the my favorite 7 Veggie Cous Cous:

http://nrbrown.com/2011/05/08/a-little-taste-weekend-cous-cous/